Twins!, or Engineers Should Care About My Elbows

Dear Reader,

Greetings from Texas! I have so much news to share with you:

1. We adopted twins!

(Meet Muffy and Buffy)

Fit Lesbian and I just acquired a pair of Raleigh Twenties. Apparently they belonged to a set of spinster twins who owned them since the seventies.  We’re going to clean them up and use them as our “around town” rides. Stay tuned for the DIY awesomeness to ensue.

2. I had my first run-in with the dreaded Toe Overlap. Toe overlap is a design flaw mostly in lady bikes where your toe can overlap your tire when you are making a sharp turn resulting in this:

 (Mom, don't look, I'm totally fine)

Fit Lesbian warned me about this early in our bike riding adventures, but I was then distracted by something shiny and forgot about it entirely. Everything on the interwebs says this happens during low speed sharp turns. LIES. This assumes that the ladies aren't trying to burn though sharp turns at high speeds. I like to power through turns, whether I'm on a snowboard, driving someone else's car, or riding on my bike. If we can fly a man to the moon, we can make bikes for women that do not have such basic engineering flaws. If this was a problem in men’s bikes, you can be sure it wouldn’t be a problem for long…I'll be getting off my soap box now.

Coming up: Travel and the Art of Not Eating Fried Chicken at Every Meal, as well as Can Fat and Fit Out-Pedal a Hillbilly? Hill Training in the Mountains of North Carolina.

Sincerely,
Fat Lesbian

Fat gets Fitted, or Resistance Is Futile

Dear Reader,

Yesterday, after a very long week and a surprise 4:00-on-a-Friday-afternoon meeting which ran long, I stumbled into my local bike store 20 minutes late for my road cycle fitting session. I did call first to let them know that I was running behind, but this clearly made no difference to the bald man whose job it was to make Bivnard and I a seamless cyborg of road burning fury. Jack was his name, and his eyes told me that I was the only thing standing between him and the end of his shift.

For those of you who don’t know, there are approximately 5 zillion tiny points of adjustment that can be made to a bicycle so that it perfectly matches its rider’s anatomy. The bike fitting is when a bike mechanic meticulously adjusts each one of them by hand while you pedal in place in their basement. This is usually about $100, but since I had bought the bike from the folks who were doing the fitting, it was going to be half price.

I was late but I had come prepared. I had my bike shorts on under my jeans, my new bike shoes, cleats, and pedals. I even brought my helmet in case he told me to go play in traffic. Fit Lesbian and I followed Jack into the depths of the bike fitting dungeon (always bring a buddy) where he put Bivnard on a trainer and surveyed the situation. As I shed my jeans, he informed me that there would be an additional $50 fee for also fitting my shoes to my bike.

Fat Lesbian (pants around ankles): “But don’t I need the cleats and shoes and everything to get the rest of the bike fitted?”

Jack: “Yes. You need your feet to sit correctly so that your seat is in the right place, and then we can adjust you handle bars.”

Fat Lesbian: “Then why isn’t it part of the fitting? Is this negotiable?”

Jack: “No.”

This is when I realized that bike shops, like car mechanics and dentists, have no qualms about blatantly gouging their customers. Thankfully Fit Lesbian was able to whisper reason into my ear and talk me down from my pillar pantless of indignation. So after grudgingly agreeing to this obvious bait and switch, I stepped out of my jeans, and gave in to the process. Jack fit my cleats to my shoes, my shoes to my pedals, and the rest of me to my bike. It took just over an hour and was probably the best $100 I could have spent. We have been assimilated.

 

Sincerely,

Fat Lesbian

P.S. I’ve learned how to use blogger a little bit better! Check out the nifty social sharing stuff on the side bar to my left (your right).

The November Project and The Wall of Shame

Dear Reader,

This morning as the sun was yawning awake, and I was still sound asleep in my awesome bed, Fit Lesbian was putting the majority of the population to shame, and running up and down dozens and dozens of steps at the Harvard Stadium. She isn’t training for a marathon, or the Olympics, or a naked cross country foot race. She’s found the November Project. It’s a group of people who train and work out doing different activity-thingies around the city.

Reasons for Radness:

1.) It’s free, and that’s awesome because paying to be in a place you don’t want to be (GYM), doing something you don’t want to do (RUNNING-ON-TREADMILL) around total strangers sucks.

2.) There are all different fitness levels, and a bunch of the folks there are trainers so if you have questions they can help, and if you pass out or have a heart attack they will call an ambulance for you.

3.) They have a Wall of Shame, so if you say you are going to show up and you bail, everyone can give you shit publicly. That’s the way communities are built.

We are so used to the food, fashion, and fitness industries making money off people who want desperately to better themselves, to get healthier and happier. It is refreshing to see professionals and couch potatoes alike rallying to take matters into their own hands. Even if I don’t join it, I definitely respect it. And I’ll probably still visit the Wall of Shame, because who doesn’t love a public spanking?

Sincerely,

Fat Lesbian

The Results Show, or Grandmother Watches NASCAR for the Crashes

Dear Reader,

Welcome to the results show!

In the interest of full disclosure I need to tell you now that we only went 24 miles today instead of the proposed 40. Excuses are as follows:

1.)  It was hot as balls outside today, so we waited to leave until about 5:30 to leave the house. It was still 93 degrees at that point, but it cooled down fast as the sun set…romantically.

2.)  Fit Lesbian went to a 2 hour paddleboarding yoga class this morning which looks like this:

 (because yoga should be harder)

We bought a bunch of cards with little route maps that run around Boston. Given the limited daylight we picked a short ride that promised to be “flat with rolling hills.” I’m positive those hills were deemed "rolling" by someone in a car, and halfway up the third climb in the first 5 miles, I hopped off my bike and hoofed it up instead. But this was the only set back.

The rest of the ride went like this!

 (Fat Lesbian Left, Fit Lesbian Right)

The Stats:

Miles: 24

Avg. MPH: 12

Top Speed: 44.7!

 And we ended the night with this:

Fun Fact: My Grandmother watches NASCAR for the crashes, and that is exactly why I am watching the Tour de France (shown above).

This week you can look forward to adventures in clip-in pedals, hill climbing: take 2, and maybe we will get to that 40 mile ride after-all. I can't wait to share it with you!

Sincerely, 

Fat Lesbian

Follow the Leader, or 100 Miles for What?

Dear Reader,

I quit coffee about a year ago.  If you ask me why, I’ll most often respond by saying it’s a healthy choice, the spike and fall in energy was getting to me, or something of the like. The real reason is that my wife (Fit Lesbian) woke up one day and said she was quitting, and I followed suit. There was no underlying reason on my part, and it wasn’t until about 3 weeks later that I bothered to ask her why. I don’t remember the reason she gave, but the point is I’m a bit of a follower.

Approximately the same storyline repeated itself recently which resulted in the purchase of my first road bike – a 44 inch Bianchi Via Naroni 7 Dama 105, or as I like to call her, Bivnard.  

 (Fat Lesbian, Bivnard, & Chubby Puppy)

I don’t know if any of you have experienced this in your relationships, but Fit Lesbian and I have always struggled to find a recreational athletic activity that we could enjoy together. 

The following is a list of sports we have tried together, and the reasons they did not work out:

1.)  Yoga: A passion of Fit Lesbian’s for over a decade. I practiced for about a year, got to a really tough place which led to a hormonally induced crying fit on my mat, and never went back.

2.)    Boxing: This was a Groupon related incident which ended with me giggling involuntarily every time I got hit, and Fit Lesbian being exceedingly frustrated with my lack of discipline. Plus, the gym smelled awful, so we quit.

3.)    Rock Climbing: Given the most basic knowledge of weights and counter-weights, this sport deeply terrified me.

4.)    Running: We began together, Fit Lesbian injured herself, recovered, and was then able to out-pace me. I ran a 5K, then quit grumbling about not running together so what was the point, etc.

5.)    Zumba: Fit Lesbian will only go to classes, but feels silly and like she has no rhythm. I will only play on the Wii and totally have rhythm. Once again, the stars do not align.

6.)    Pogo Stilting: I refused.

Enter road cycling, the perfect storm for couple sports. You can spend time together, alternate pushing yourself with cruising along and chatting, you can plan your trip around food related destinations, you both get a healthy dose of endorphins, and when you are done, you sleep like you are dead (not the living dead or undead, the dead dead)!

We have set a goal for ourselves: ride a century (a 100 mile bike ride) for a good cause. Tomorrow we are taking our first serious ride to start training, a 40 mile loop around some of the suburbs of Boston.

I’ll be posting on how things went so stay tuned, and wish us luck!

Sincerely,

Fat Lesbian

Omnia Vanitas, or 60 is the new 40

Dear Reader,

Welcome to Fat Lesbian; a blog for the queer, the proud, and the somewhat flawed.

I'm turning 30 this year, so obviously my thoughts have turned to my imminent demise. This is not to say my life is over (I just read 60 is the new 40, which means I'll probably retire at 87). It does mean I've begun to think about what I have done, and what I want to leave behind. So far my legacy consists of a 4x4 foot painting of an elephant which sits over my desk...

And since I can't create a vampire progeny to carry on the blood line, I'm looking to increase my holdings. Ultimately, I would like my paintings to be worth thousands when I'm dead, but before I achieve recognizable dead artist status, I'm going to try to do some good. How? Well that's the sand in the panties.

Ideas for improving the world (to varying degrees):

3.) Create life changing volunteer organization that brings mentoring, life skills, and the arts to underprivileged queer youth.
2.) Wash out the dog food and peanut butter jars before I put them in the recycling.
1.) Complete a 100 mile bike ride to raise money for an as-of-yet-undetermined good cause.

Numbers 1 and 2 I'm totally doing. Number 3 is a long term goal.

In the meantime, I will be sharing my experiences being queer in corporate, learning to road cycle, and offering general commentary on the world as we know it.

I can't wait to get started!

Sincerely,
Fat Lesbian